I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
