I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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