Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
