god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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