I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize