every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
