apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
