You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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