I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
