you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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