the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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