I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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