3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I am puke
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
