I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
