White coat. Heels.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Randomize
