If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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