the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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