This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
