Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize