I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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