Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
