his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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