Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
