I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
