I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
