I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
