Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
