went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
