Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize