Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
