I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
