I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize