she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
