Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
