Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
