I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
