ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
