I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I can't put those talents on a resume
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
