i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
