yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
