You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
