Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
