i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
