Your mouth is God's brothel.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
