She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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