please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize