Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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