so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
