Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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