i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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