I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
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