Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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