Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
