I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
