we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
