So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
