So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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