Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
