the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My bed smells like the plague
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
